Returning to the summer of 1996, I have one more story to tell. I've mentioned Luke a time or two in this blog. He and I had been in touch for a long time through the wrestling rooms on AOL. We'd chatted for hours and hours, and we'd done a lot of cyberwrestling. Finally in August we were set up a face-to-face meeting and a wrestling match. We were both excited, but for me, at least, the long-anticipated event turned out to be something less than what I had hoped.

My match with J--the attitude of it mostly--had rung my bell a little bit. Again, it was the best actualy wrestling I'd done to that point (all of three matches), but it was the worst personal experience to that point as well. I'm not a competitive man; nor do I ever even fantasize about being mean and tough, much less act that way in real life. So the attitude J brought to the mat (and into my house) had put a damper on the joy I was feeling to be at long last exploring my lifelong wrestling interest.

Add to this the fact that my family had been away from me on vacation, and I was missing them. Add to this the fact that I drove several hours to make the evening match Luke and I had planned.

Other factors played a part as well. As our match drew closer, I learned that the man I'd known as Luke was actually R. And while he had the same size and interests as Luke, R looked different from Luke. The imagination is a powerful thing, and the anonymous venue of cyberspace can allow a good imagination to run wild. Over a period of time, I'd developed such a strong mental image of Luke--based, of course, on his own description of himself--that I found it nearly impossible to shift gears and accept R as the same person.

I'd told myself ever since starting this online exploration of wrestling that it was all about the wrestling and not about the men. My disappointment that R didn't match the fantasy image I had of Luke threw me into a state of confusion. I wasn't supposed to be considering looks, much less be disappointed by them. And although I couldn't really face it at the time, I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that some level of physical attaction existed both as part of and apart from the wrestling. Had I allowed myself to think about it, this could have suggested to me that I was bisexual or even homosexual. I wasn't ready for such suggestions.

These things and the sheer level of anticipation--almost always prelude to a letdown--combined to sabotage our meeting.

We began at Applebees and then went back to my motel. I'd already moved some furniture around, so we started in wrestling. I'm the head scissors guy, and he loves the bear hug. We traded these holds and had a generally good time wrestling. Ultimately our talks between falls lasted longer than the falls themselves, but maybe this was good, as I was getting to know R and letting Luke go somewhat.

We met again the next day for lunch. I was already checked out of the motel, so Rick suggested that we go back to his place and wrestle some. I'm sorry to say that I made up some lame excuse about some work-related emergency that required me to leave town and head home. We had a good lunch and a good conversation, and then I hit the road to drive several hours for another overnight stay and then met my family at their vacation spot the next day.

R wasn't the only person I disappointed that trip. After a couple of days with my family, I was supposed to meet AB, J and another guy in a motel not far from my home. We had a tag-team match planned. But I couldn't do it. I drove home from the vacation spot, spent a couple of hours at the house and then headed out to make the planned match. But about 1/3 of the way there, I stopped on the side of the road and sat there thinking--or, perhaps, not thinking. Telling myself I was too tired from all the traveling to go the rest of the way, wrestle and drive back home, I turned the car around and headed back.

In an IM chat with J that evening or the next day, I learned that AB was angry that I didn't show. I can't blame him. And I'm sorry to say that I haven't heard from him since. I let my online relationship with J fade as quickly as I could, for obvious reasons.

That's enough wrestling, I thought, and that seemed to be the end of it. I'd lived the fantasy a little bit, and I thought I could leave it at that. But seven months later, I found myself on the road and at it again.

My relationship with R changed a good bit after my trip to meet him--from what my relationship with Luke had been, I mean. R and I kept in touch, although neither as constantly nor as intimately as Luke and I. About a year and a half after our match in his city, we met in a little town in between our two homes and had ourselves a fine afternoon of wrestling. And I hope that one day we'll get that opportunity again.

But I still look for Luke in every wrestler I meet.